Everyday I fight depression. I think we all do at least a little, especially as we get older. So much has happened to us by the time we hit forty or fifty. There's often a lot of heartache in that amount of time. One thing that helps and maybe this doesn't seem very nice, but it helps, is to look around you and notice that there are a lot of people going through the same things you are and some of those people are going through things that are a lot worse.
When I started paying attention to just how hard life is on some people on this planet I realized I have a lot to be thankful for. What is amazing, if you ever engage one of these people that you consider worse off than yourself in a conversation, you will often find that they are very thankful for how good they have it! If that doesn't make you feel like your attitude may need some adjusting, nothing will.
Finally, I realized that the only way to true happiness is to be thankful. I'm still in the process, but when one starts facing every situation with a thankful heart, that situation becomes a lot easier to deal with. It may take some work to see what there is to be thankful for, but the more you practice being thankful, the easier it becomes.
When my brother died, I was only 25. I did not deal with it very well. I suffered and caused my family to suffer for years while I dealt with his loss. I was bitter and angry. I didn't understand. I blamed God, I blamed my brother's friend that survived. I wanted to hurt someone and sometimes I even wanted to hurt myself, but I came through it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not thankful for losing people, but I am thankful for the moments that I was fortunate to have them in my life. I'm thankful for all the memories and experiences we shared. They made me who I am and I like who I am. I know that I will see them again and I can enjoy the life I have left here on this earth and I'm thankful to God for giving me the life I have.
I try very hard to live my life to please God. I could do better, much better, but I try. I am most thankful for my capacity to love. There is so much to love. Of course I love my family. They make me want to breathe. I love their perfection and I love their faults. I love the silly things they say and do and the wondrous things they do. I love how they show me a different perspective to every situation.
I love the world God has given us. I love the colors of the sky, the ground, the water, the birds, and flowers. I love babies of every kind, man, animal and plant. I love to watch the world through their eyes and re-experience the wonder of newness. I love the smell of freshly mown grass and the air after a rain shower.
I am thankful that I can laugh, smile, tease and cry. Tears and heartache serve to make me realize the great capacity for love that God has given us. It is a wonder and a gift. I choose to live because I am still learning and loving every day. Thank you God for all your greatness!
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting for in movement there is life, and in change there is power!" --Alan Cohen
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Happy Birthday!
Happy, happy birthday to my hubby! I can't believe he turned 60 today. Where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday we were walking down the aisle and looking forward to our lives together. That was 32 years ago, two children, countless dogs, cats, rabbits, mice, gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs and a bird or two!
It's been a fun 32 years. I'm a lucky lady. I'm married to my very best friend and I look forward to many more years of joy. Happy Birthday sweetie; you're the best!
It's been a fun 32 years. I'm a lucky lady. I'm married to my very best friend and I look forward to many more years of joy. Happy Birthday sweetie; you're the best!
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
It's HOT!
It's Florida, hot is to be expected, but boy is it ever hot. Temperature gauge on the car read 103 the other day. The plants wilt even when the soil is wet and nursery hang tags that recommend "full sun", never had Florida sun in mind.
I love going to the nursery and seeing plants for sale that have never lived in Florida. By the way their heads are hanging, they aren't too thrilled about visiting either! But the unsuspecting tourists buy plants slated for zones a tad further north than hell or ones that are okay for hell but like it that way all year. Here in central Florida, we do get a break from the mind-numbing heat for a few weeks each year, just enough break to kill those truly tropical plants.
Central Florida, North Central Florida, anything above Tampa makes gardening an extreme challenge. You better be able to survive disappointment. We've started tomatoes indoors to give them a good head start before the blazing heat gets here. We wait until March 1 to put them out and then we get a late frost. Bye, bye tender tomato plants. We go ahead and put out more that are small, purchased from the nursery, they grow, they're green and beautiful and full of blossoms, then the devil breathes, the temps hit 90 the day after the low was 50 at night and the plant is yellow, blossoms are falling off and fruit never sets. If one little one was brave enough to form, the bugs, the heat and the wilt finish him off. It's a hard life for plants!
I do have two Surinam cherry bushes in my yard, but I have to baby them all winter with lights and blankets. They're worth it when I see those little pumpkin-shaped fruits appear in Spring. This is their third year in the ground and they actually seem to be acclimatizing pretty well. It was touch and go for awhile, but they look better this year than ever.
Hibiscus will survive here too, but they do like to be up close to the house and on the coldest days, they require a blanket to protect from freezing. I feel sorry for our neighbors whose banana trees are lovely this time of year, but die back to the ground come winter. I don't think they've seen one banana, let alone a bunch, but they persevere. (Yes, they are northern transplants and got suckered into the purchase at the Lowe's sale). Lowe's should be ashamed of themselves for selling the plants they do.
If a tag says the plant survives temperatures of -10 or lower, the poor thing is not going to survive a heat index upwards of 110. It just isn't possible. I even saw primroses for sale this Spring and a poor man so excited to have found them here. All Lowe's did was set up him for disappointment. They will not survive long enough to re-bloom. By the end of April they will be fading and dead, dead, the middle of May.
I'm a Floridian by birth. I've lived all over the state and I truly resent the northerners that say we're slow or lazy. We aren't slow, we're conserving energy. It's hot here! We are strong and resilient and able to withstand disappointment. Remember that tomato crop? I hear those of the northern persuasion gripe on and on about the heat, the bugs, the storms. Those of us born here, just roll with the punches and accept what we're given to deal with. We learn life is full of disappointment, but it's also full of joy and amazement when we actually collect enough tomatoes to can for the winter. (Thankfully, that's only a month and a half, we can make those 8 cans stretch that far)!
I love going to the nursery and seeing plants for sale that have never lived in Florida. By the way their heads are hanging, they aren't too thrilled about visiting either! But the unsuspecting tourists buy plants slated for zones a tad further north than hell or ones that are okay for hell but like it that way all year. Here in central Florida, we do get a break from the mind-numbing heat for a few weeks each year, just enough break to kill those truly tropical plants.
Central Florida, North Central Florida, anything above Tampa makes gardening an extreme challenge. You better be able to survive disappointment. We've started tomatoes indoors to give them a good head start before the blazing heat gets here. We wait until March 1 to put them out and then we get a late frost. Bye, bye tender tomato plants. We go ahead and put out more that are small, purchased from the nursery, they grow, they're green and beautiful and full of blossoms, then the devil breathes, the temps hit 90 the day after the low was 50 at night and the plant is yellow, blossoms are falling off and fruit never sets. If one little one was brave enough to form, the bugs, the heat and the wilt finish him off. It's a hard life for plants!
I do have two Surinam cherry bushes in my yard, but I have to baby them all winter with lights and blankets. They're worth it when I see those little pumpkin-shaped fruits appear in Spring. This is their third year in the ground and they actually seem to be acclimatizing pretty well. It was touch and go for awhile, but they look better this year than ever.
Hibiscus will survive here too, but they do like to be up close to the house and on the coldest days, they require a blanket to protect from freezing. I feel sorry for our neighbors whose banana trees are lovely this time of year, but die back to the ground come winter. I don't think they've seen one banana, let alone a bunch, but they persevere. (Yes, they are northern transplants and got suckered into the purchase at the Lowe's sale). Lowe's should be ashamed of themselves for selling the plants they do.
If a tag says the plant survives temperatures of -10 or lower, the poor thing is not going to survive a heat index upwards of 110. It just isn't possible. I even saw primroses for sale this Spring and a poor man so excited to have found them here. All Lowe's did was set up him for disappointment. They will not survive long enough to re-bloom. By the end of April they will be fading and dead, dead, the middle of May.
I'm a Floridian by birth. I've lived all over the state and I truly resent the northerners that say we're slow or lazy. We aren't slow, we're conserving energy. It's hot here! We are strong and resilient and able to withstand disappointment. Remember that tomato crop? I hear those of the northern persuasion gripe on and on about the heat, the bugs, the storms. Those of us born here, just roll with the punches and accept what we're given to deal with. We learn life is full of disappointment, but it's also full of joy and amazement when we actually collect enough tomatoes to can for the winter. (Thankfully, that's only a month and a half, we can make those 8 cans stretch that far)!
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Thankfulness
I've learned one very important lesson in my life and that is to be thankful. A thankful heart can never be depressed. Noticing our blessings becomes easier as we practice it every day. When we realize just how many there are, they begin to shine with a light so bright that they remove all of the cobwebs of grief and self-pity.
I spent too much time in that dank, dark pit of misery, self-loathing and sadness. I took pills, I was angry and miserable. Finally, I realized the pills weren't helping and I also started looking outward at the people that loved me and had stuck by me through my "dark" time. That was when the first tiny ray of thankfulness began to glow.
I learned to fan it and nurture it and it soon blazed. Sometimes it still threatens to go out, but I stop what I'm doing and I ponder again all of the things that I still have to be thankful for and once again I am happy and living in the sunshine of a thankful heart.
Depression, grief, and their darker expressions are a form of selfishness. When we stop putting ourselves as the center of our universe, we begin to grow. I believe in God. I do not believe that He is going to answer every prayer or stop every sadness, but He has given us the light and the joy in everything around us. There is love and happiness in everything that is of God. He is with us through every moment.
Fan that nugget of thankfulness and you will begin to see all that there is to be thankful for even in your darkest hour. I've lost a brother that was way too young and vibrant to die and a father that was not too young, but still very much needed and loved. I've moved on from those terrible moments and I've realized those moments are part of life.
This is not our natural place to be. I think each of us is aware on some level that there is more to us than our physical bodies and the pain and pleasure they can induce. Love/hate, pain/pleasure are so closely related in these bodies. I believe they are merely an image, a poor reflection of the soul's ability to experience our existence and state of being as we were meant to experience it.
We are spiritual beings having a physical experience. Death is not our enemy. It is us being born into an existence that is ultimately more natural for us. I know we exist beyond this physical life. I have seen and experienced things that are not of this physical world.
I miss my brother, my father, but I will be reunited with them again. I feel distress when I see others suffering from whatever cause and I know there are times when thankfulness can be the furthest thing from our minds and hearts. But true healing only comes when we can once again reach a thankful state of mind.
We have to learn that grief and sadness are okay, but depression and misery are not. We can miss people, places, things, but we cannot allow that missing to take over our every thought and action. There is nothing stronger than our minds and wills and we are own best healer, once we learn and grasp the reality of the power God has given us.
I realize that there are unspeakable horrors that some people endure. I also know that whatever we have to face and endure in this physical existence will pass and we will become the being that we are meant to be, but the road to that point can be long and painful. What has worked for me and I hope it works for my readers is to focus on one moment at a time. Let the past go, it is over. Learn to live in the present, learn to be thankful for the moment and whatever thing of beauty and peace that is with you in that moment. A baby's laugh, a butterfly that lingers over a flower, a pet that waits expectantly for your next touch, a ray of sun peeking through a darkened sky, whatever tiny speck you can grasp in that moment, let it be the stepping stone to recognizing more and more things to be thankful for. They are there even in our darkest hours.
This quote says it all and I hope it helps to bring you peace and thankfulness too...
“The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.”
― Henry Ward Beecher
I spent too much time in that dank, dark pit of misery, self-loathing and sadness. I took pills, I was angry and miserable. Finally, I realized the pills weren't helping and I also started looking outward at the people that loved me and had stuck by me through my "dark" time. That was when the first tiny ray of thankfulness began to glow.
I learned to fan it and nurture it and it soon blazed. Sometimes it still threatens to go out, but I stop what I'm doing and I ponder again all of the things that I still have to be thankful for and once again I am happy and living in the sunshine of a thankful heart.
Depression, grief, and their darker expressions are a form of selfishness. When we stop putting ourselves as the center of our universe, we begin to grow. I believe in God. I do not believe that He is going to answer every prayer or stop every sadness, but He has given us the light and the joy in everything around us. There is love and happiness in everything that is of God. He is with us through every moment.
Fan that nugget of thankfulness and you will begin to see all that there is to be thankful for even in your darkest hour. I've lost a brother that was way too young and vibrant to die and a father that was not too young, but still very much needed and loved. I've moved on from those terrible moments and I've realized those moments are part of life.
This is not our natural place to be. I think each of us is aware on some level that there is more to us than our physical bodies and the pain and pleasure they can induce. Love/hate, pain/pleasure are so closely related in these bodies. I believe they are merely an image, a poor reflection of the soul's ability to experience our existence and state of being as we were meant to experience it.
We are spiritual beings having a physical experience. Death is not our enemy. It is us being born into an existence that is ultimately more natural for us. I know we exist beyond this physical life. I have seen and experienced things that are not of this physical world.
I miss my brother, my father, but I will be reunited with them again. I feel distress when I see others suffering from whatever cause and I know there are times when thankfulness can be the furthest thing from our minds and hearts. But true healing only comes when we can once again reach a thankful state of mind.
We have to learn that grief and sadness are okay, but depression and misery are not. We can miss people, places, things, but we cannot allow that missing to take over our every thought and action. There is nothing stronger than our minds and wills and we are own best healer, once we learn and grasp the reality of the power God has given us.
I realize that there are unspeakable horrors that some people endure. I also know that whatever we have to face and endure in this physical existence will pass and we will become the being that we are meant to be, but the road to that point can be long and painful. What has worked for me and I hope it works for my readers is to focus on one moment at a time. Let the past go, it is over. Learn to live in the present, learn to be thankful for the moment and whatever thing of beauty and peace that is with you in that moment. A baby's laugh, a butterfly that lingers over a flower, a pet that waits expectantly for your next touch, a ray of sun peeking through a darkened sky, whatever tiny speck you can grasp in that moment, let it be the stepping stone to recognizing more and more things to be thankful for. They are there even in our darkest hours.
This quote says it all and I hope it helps to bring you peace and thankfulness too...
“The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.”
― Henry Ward Beecher
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
I Remembered Something Important Today.
I've found myself a little bit perturbed with God lately. I pray and I pray and it seems I don't get answers. My Dad died a year and half ago, my mom is now sick with cancer. I asked God, "Why?" I've asked God to cure her to cure my Dad and I didn't get the answers that I wanted.
Today, I was singing as I often do when I'm by myself. I don't want to subject anyone else to my noise, but I love to sing. Anyway, I was singing bits and pieces of several songs. I like to do that too. I jump from song to song singing my favorite bits! I stumbled upon one that used to be my favorite, You'll Never Walk Alone. No, I'm not that old, but I did take voice lessons once upon a time and that was in my repertoire!
As I was mindlessly singing away. I stopped suddenly as I realized the words I was saying and it hit me. I was expecting the wrong thing from God. He never promised to fix things or answer all my prayers just the way I wanted. He doesn't promise to heal every illness or stop every heart ache, He only promises to be there with us to help us through them.
I know this, but I forgot it somewhere through all the terrible heart ache of watching my Dad die and now facing my mother going through cancer too. I looked back through my memories of my Dad's illness and I realized that God did answer my prayers. My Dad did not suffer as so many do with the type of cancer he had. He suffered more than I wanted him too, but so many little nuggets of blessings were present through that trying time.
My mother has already had many blessing and answers to my prayers. Her cancer was contained. She received good news for the illness she has. We are very blessed. I continue to pray that she will not suffer and that her continued treatment goes as well as the doctor predicts. And above all, I thank God for His blessings, His answers to my prayers and for helping me to see that He is there with me and my family. I have to trust, to believe and to be conscious of His presence and stop being so determined to have things my way.
"Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain and you'll never walk alone."
Today, I was singing as I often do when I'm by myself. I don't want to subject anyone else to my noise, but I love to sing. Anyway, I was singing bits and pieces of several songs. I like to do that too. I jump from song to song singing my favorite bits! I stumbled upon one that used to be my favorite, You'll Never Walk Alone. No, I'm not that old, but I did take voice lessons once upon a time and that was in my repertoire!
As I was mindlessly singing away. I stopped suddenly as I realized the words I was saying and it hit me. I was expecting the wrong thing from God. He never promised to fix things or answer all my prayers just the way I wanted. He doesn't promise to heal every illness or stop every heart ache, He only promises to be there with us to help us through them.
I know this, but I forgot it somewhere through all the terrible heart ache of watching my Dad die and now facing my mother going through cancer too. I looked back through my memories of my Dad's illness and I realized that God did answer my prayers. My Dad did not suffer as so many do with the type of cancer he had. He suffered more than I wanted him too, but so many little nuggets of blessings were present through that trying time.
My mother has already had many blessing and answers to my prayers. Her cancer was contained. She received good news for the illness she has. We are very blessed. I continue to pray that she will not suffer and that her continued treatment goes as well as the doctor predicts. And above all, I thank God for His blessings, His answers to my prayers and for helping me to see that He is there with me and my family. I have to trust, to believe and to be conscious of His presence and stop being so determined to have things my way.
"Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain and you'll never walk alone."
Thursday, May 29, 2014
What Does This Mean?
We're still waiting to get my mom into the surgeon. The tests all came back very positive for ovarian cancer. The mass is about the size of a small orange. We have a tiny hope that it isn't cancer. We have a big hope that if it is definitely cancer that it hasn't metastasized. The MRIs showed no inflamed lymph nodes.
We're supposed to be one of the greatest countries in the world, so I find it very sad that it takes this long to get something so urgent taken care of. We found out on May 6, that mom might have cancer. Here it is May 29 and we still know nothing definite and we haven't even seen the surgeon. The insurance finally approved the visit to the surgeon today. Has Obama created this situation with his stupid health care reform bill? Or is it just greed on the part of the insurance company trying to find a way not to pay for medical services?
I'm sick of hearing that the big pharmaceutical companies are hiding the cure for cancer because treating it is so much more profitable than curing it. I hope that bit of information isn't true. If there is the slightest nugget of truth in it, there is no hope for mankind. Not because cancer will kill us, but because there is no good reason to let a species survive that would treat its fellow members in such an abhorrent manner. If it is true, I don't think I really want to know.
One thing I have learned that seriously damages my confidence in the goodness of mankind is that people over age 65 are expendable. There is no need to perform routine diagnostic tests after that age because life expectancy of anyone beyond 65 doesn't warrant them receiving treatment; the consensus in the impolite and true sense of the word is that older human beings are just not worth the time, money or trouble. Obama made this the standard. He doesn't believe in even repairing or replacing a broken hip in older Americans, it is just too expensive. Give them pain meds and leave them to die. I wonder when he will pass down the decree that pain meds aren't necessary either. The pain may kill old folks faster and make them less of a burden on tax dollars and over-crowded hospitals. It's deplorable.
I read something today, some bit of wisdom, that was supposed to make you feel better if you were at the end of your life. I can't quote it exactly and don't even know who said it, but it went something like this, In death we return to what we were before we were born. I asked myself, what the hell does that even mean? If that's comfort, I don't want to hear discomfort. If you are a believer in God and believe as I do that God created all of us at the beginning of time, it could be a comforting statement, but if you are not, it's depressing...because in essence, you become nothing.
I don't want to die and become nothing. I like living too much. I like the beautiful things on this planet that I credit God with creating. I don't want to become nothing. I also don't want to become a piece of larger whole, a spiritual being that rejoins with the great spirit. I want to retain my singular identity, I want to control my thoughts, my path, my destiny, my oneness. I want to feel, to experience, to think for myself. I'm a loner at heart and I don't want to be any different. If I have to be thrust in with a larger whole or made to sit at the feet of a great being in awe and just be, I think maybe I'd rather be nothing.
Life and living, whether in a physical or spiritual form, is about creating, desire, love, enjoyment, fulfillment, and more. I want to expand when I die, I want to know more, be more aware of everything. I hope and pray God is and I hope that greed and the other base attributes we all share die with our physical bodies. I love beauty, the beauty that exists in a sunrise, a baby's laugh, a thunderstorm, a tiny kitten playing with it's litter mate. I love God and everything that He created; I love the goodness that man can possess. I love that God has not destroyed us which shows He must have faith in our ability to be what He created us to be and if He can have that faith in us; I can have faith in His existence.
We're supposed to be one of the greatest countries in the world, so I find it very sad that it takes this long to get something so urgent taken care of. We found out on May 6, that mom might have cancer. Here it is May 29 and we still know nothing definite and we haven't even seen the surgeon. The insurance finally approved the visit to the surgeon today. Has Obama created this situation with his stupid health care reform bill? Or is it just greed on the part of the insurance company trying to find a way not to pay for medical services?
I'm sick of hearing that the big pharmaceutical companies are hiding the cure for cancer because treating it is so much more profitable than curing it. I hope that bit of information isn't true. If there is the slightest nugget of truth in it, there is no hope for mankind. Not because cancer will kill us, but because there is no good reason to let a species survive that would treat its fellow members in such an abhorrent manner. If it is true, I don't think I really want to know.
One thing I have learned that seriously damages my confidence in the goodness of mankind is that people over age 65 are expendable. There is no need to perform routine diagnostic tests after that age because life expectancy of anyone beyond 65 doesn't warrant them receiving treatment; the consensus in the impolite and true sense of the word is that older human beings are just not worth the time, money or trouble. Obama made this the standard. He doesn't believe in even repairing or replacing a broken hip in older Americans, it is just too expensive. Give them pain meds and leave them to die. I wonder when he will pass down the decree that pain meds aren't necessary either. The pain may kill old folks faster and make them less of a burden on tax dollars and over-crowded hospitals. It's deplorable.
I read something today, some bit of wisdom, that was supposed to make you feel better if you were at the end of your life. I can't quote it exactly and don't even know who said it, but it went something like this, In death we return to what we were before we were born. I asked myself, what the hell does that even mean? If that's comfort, I don't want to hear discomfort. If you are a believer in God and believe as I do that God created all of us at the beginning of time, it could be a comforting statement, but if you are not, it's depressing...because in essence, you become nothing.
I don't want to die and become nothing. I like living too much. I like the beautiful things on this planet that I credit God with creating. I don't want to become nothing. I also don't want to become a piece of larger whole, a spiritual being that rejoins with the great spirit. I want to retain my singular identity, I want to control my thoughts, my path, my destiny, my oneness. I want to feel, to experience, to think for myself. I'm a loner at heart and I don't want to be any different. If I have to be thrust in with a larger whole or made to sit at the feet of a great being in awe and just be, I think maybe I'd rather be nothing.
Life and living, whether in a physical or spiritual form, is about creating, desire, love, enjoyment, fulfillment, and more. I want to expand when I die, I want to know more, be more aware of everything. I hope and pray God is and I hope that greed and the other base attributes we all share die with our physical bodies. I love beauty, the beauty that exists in a sunrise, a baby's laugh, a thunderstorm, a tiny kitten playing with it's litter mate. I love God and everything that He created; I love the goodness that man can possess. I love that God has not destroyed us which shows He must have faith in our ability to be what He created us to be and if He can have that faith in us; I can have faith in His existence.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
My Heart Is Broken
Maybe it's too soon to be feeling so much despair, but life is hard, it hurts and I don't think I can take much more. My father passed away on 1/17/13. 2012 was a terrible year. It hurts so much watching someone you love just lose their grip on this life. To watch his strength of body and will dwindle until he couldn't even take a shower on his own or manage to eat anything, was unbearable. It was cancer and it was so mean.
Today, I found out it is likely my mother has cancer. I am praying not, I am trying to hold out for good news, but I prayed my father would be one of the 3% that recovers from lung cancer with chemotherapy. My hopes and my prayers have worn a little thin.
I tried to be brave when I sat in that doctor office today. I laid my hand on my mother's arm as she took in the devastating news the doctor was giving her and squeezed it gently. I told her I loved her. I feel so helpless, I can't do anything to change the situation. I can't stand up and shout and make her body whole again. I can pray, I can plead, I can accept, I can offer her my love, support, care and kindness; that is all I can do. And I can tell you that never feels like enough.
How can the two people that have been so important in my life go and leave me behind? I don't care if everyone else has to endure this. I don't want to endure it. I thought losing my dad was going to kill me. Pain of the heart is so much harder to bear than pain in the body. I cannot go through this again. I cannot lose my mother too.
I am so tired of finding the strength to go on. I lost my brother when I was 25. That was a terrible loss, my life with him would have been so much richer than my life without him. The pain of watching my parents deal with the loss of their son was horrible. Again, nothing I could do. I wanted a magic wand to wave and bring him back. I wanted to see the light back in their faces and their smiles to be warm and true. They were never quite the same again all these years later.
I watched my mother's demeanor become a little darker, sadder, as she cared for my dad each day and as he progressively got worse and the realization set in that this was it, this was his end of life event. She began to function on auto-pilot and she's been functioning in that mode ever since his death.
I talked to her the other day about her feelings and she told me that she was going to be able to move on and cope. She even said she wanted to live her life and she was thankful that my dad had not suffered more than he did. It was a step toward recovery. I've watched her laugh lately when she plays with our puppy. It's so good to see her laugh.
Why is life so cruel? It feels like there is an evil fairy sitting on my shoulder, one that gets its jolly's from snatching every little bit of joy that we are able to find in this life. I try so hard to remain upbeat and positive, but it's slipping. The only thing I'm positive about at this moment is that life sucks, death sucks, faith sucks, it all just SUCKS!
I don't have the strength to be thankful for what I have. I'm afraid to enjoy the very few loved ones I have left; I'm afraid the evil, life-taking, joy-killing, son-of-a-bitch, fairy will see a new reason to hurt us more. I pray to God every day, but I don't feel like He hears me. God, are you there? A word, a sign, something to let me know I'm not praying to dead air would be so graciously received. No wonder life isn't any longer than it is, I doubt faith would make it much farther. Mine's about used up.
God, my heart is broken and the pieces are so small they'll never be put together again. If I lived on a cliff, high above the sea, I don't think I could resist the urge to just run and keep running until only air was under my feet. The warm ocean swallowing and then cradling me would almost be blessed relief. No more pain, no more sorrow, would there be a light at the end of the tunnel or only darkness? Or nothing?
I make it through each day, holding onto the love I feel for my own children and for my dear sweet husband. It has to be enough. It will be enough. Because in the end, I do believe in God, life after death and hope. I do believe God isn't through with me until my last breath and even though I don't understand why life is like it is, I have faith that God knows best and all of this serves a purpose that will become clear one day. If it doesn't, then the jokes on me and my last thoughts will be, 'I sure as hell wish I'd moved where there was a cliff.'
Today, I found out it is likely my mother has cancer. I am praying not, I am trying to hold out for good news, but I prayed my father would be one of the 3% that recovers from lung cancer with chemotherapy. My hopes and my prayers have worn a little thin.
I tried to be brave when I sat in that doctor office today. I laid my hand on my mother's arm as she took in the devastating news the doctor was giving her and squeezed it gently. I told her I loved her. I feel so helpless, I can't do anything to change the situation. I can't stand up and shout and make her body whole again. I can pray, I can plead, I can accept, I can offer her my love, support, care and kindness; that is all I can do. And I can tell you that never feels like enough.
How can the two people that have been so important in my life go and leave me behind? I don't care if everyone else has to endure this. I don't want to endure it. I thought losing my dad was going to kill me. Pain of the heart is so much harder to bear than pain in the body. I cannot go through this again. I cannot lose my mother too.
I am so tired of finding the strength to go on. I lost my brother when I was 25. That was a terrible loss, my life with him would have been so much richer than my life without him. The pain of watching my parents deal with the loss of their son was horrible. Again, nothing I could do. I wanted a magic wand to wave and bring him back. I wanted to see the light back in their faces and their smiles to be warm and true. They were never quite the same again all these years later.
I watched my mother's demeanor become a little darker, sadder, as she cared for my dad each day and as he progressively got worse and the realization set in that this was it, this was his end of life event. She began to function on auto-pilot and she's been functioning in that mode ever since his death.
I talked to her the other day about her feelings and she told me that she was going to be able to move on and cope. She even said she wanted to live her life and she was thankful that my dad had not suffered more than he did. It was a step toward recovery. I've watched her laugh lately when she plays with our puppy. It's so good to see her laugh.
Why is life so cruel? It feels like there is an evil fairy sitting on my shoulder, one that gets its jolly's from snatching every little bit of joy that we are able to find in this life. I try so hard to remain upbeat and positive, but it's slipping. The only thing I'm positive about at this moment is that life sucks, death sucks, faith sucks, it all just SUCKS!
I don't have the strength to be thankful for what I have. I'm afraid to enjoy the very few loved ones I have left; I'm afraid the evil, life-taking, joy-killing, son-of-a-bitch, fairy will see a new reason to hurt us more. I pray to God every day, but I don't feel like He hears me. God, are you there? A word, a sign, something to let me know I'm not praying to dead air would be so graciously received. No wonder life isn't any longer than it is, I doubt faith would make it much farther. Mine's about used up.
God, my heart is broken and the pieces are so small they'll never be put together again. If I lived on a cliff, high above the sea, I don't think I could resist the urge to just run and keep running until only air was under my feet. The warm ocean swallowing and then cradling me would almost be blessed relief. No more pain, no more sorrow, would there be a light at the end of the tunnel or only darkness? Or nothing?
I make it through each day, holding onto the love I feel for my own children and for my dear sweet husband. It has to be enough. It will be enough. Because in the end, I do believe in God, life after death and hope. I do believe God isn't through with me until my last breath and even though I don't understand why life is like it is, I have faith that God knows best and all of this serves a purpose that will become clear one day. If it doesn't, then the jokes on me and my last thoughts will be, 'I sure as hell wish I'd moved where there was a cliff.'
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Elvis would be 79 today!
I saw that tidbit of information on Facebook today. I do stay on Facebook probably too much, but, I enjoy reading the posts from friends, some I haven't seen since high school, and it is nice to know they are there! It makes me smile to see pictures of their grandchildren or hear tales of their lives.
But this post made me laugh out loud, as I read it, an image of a 79 year old Elvis doing his famous hip grind popped into my head and I've had the hardest time getting it out! It needs to come out, it isn't a very pleasant image!
Well, I did need the laugh today, so Elvis, wherever you are, thank you!
Here's an artist's idea of what Elvis might look like today:
But this post made me laugh out loud, as I read it, an image of a 79 year old Elvis doing his famous hip grind popped into my head and I've had the hardest time getting it out! It needs to come out, it isn't a very pleasant image!
Well, I did need the laugh today, so Elvis, wherever you are, thank you!
Here's an artist's idea of what Elvis might look like today:
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
A New Year
I didn't realize that it has been so long since my last post. I've been blogging, but not here. I lose interest in things quickly and think that my time might be better spent on a different project. That isn't always a good thing.
I love writing, I love blogging and I've decided to put away some of the others and keep the ones that mean the most to me. This blog is my first and I've stuck to it the most. I enjoy reading through the memories! I have two others that I plan to stick with also: http://peapickingood.blogspot.com/ and my newest: http://my365grateful2014.blogspot.com/
I love taking pictures, another thing that I plan to dedicate more time in doing. I've been busy this past year trying to adjust to the loss of my dad, trying to help my mom and daughters through the loss of my dad. It's been nearly a year since his death. Seems impossible, but time marches on.
My new puppy is nearly grown and he's been a joy and a help through the hardest days, even when he proves he's still not entirely housebroken! I guess I'm fooling myself to think he ever will be, but for the most part he's good about going outside.
I've heard Cockers are hard to housebreak and he's proving to be a challenge. He's very good as long as I stay focused. If he starts playing or I get busy and don't see him standing by the door, he will leave me a puddle at the door. I think he plays so hard that just like a small child, he doesn't realize how bad he has to go until it is too late. Oh well, I love him and he's more than worth a puddle or two!
I look forward to what this year may hold in store. I hope it's good things! I plan to stop by much more regularly! Peace to all and blessings for the new year...
I love writing, I love blogging and I've decided to put away some of the others and keep the ones that mean the most to me. This blog is my first and I've stuck to it the most. I enjoy reading through the memories! I have two others that I plan to stick with also: http://peapickingood.blogspot.com/ and my newest: http://my365grateful2014.blogspot.com/
I love taking pictures, another thing that I plan to dedicate more time in doing. I've been busy this past year trying to adjust to the loss of my dad, trying to help my mom and daughters through the loss of my dad. It's been nearly a year since his death. Seems impossible, but time marches on.
My new puppy is nearly grown and he's been a joy and a help through the hardest days, even when he proves he's still not entirely housebroken! I guess I'm fooling myself to think he ever will be, but for the most part he's good about going outside.
I've heard Cockers are hard to housebreak and he's proving to be a challenge. He's very good as long as I stay focused. If he starts playing or I get busy and don't see him standing by the door, he will leave me a puddle at the door. I think he plays so hard that just like a small child, he doesn't realize how bad he has to go until it is too late. Oh well, I love him and he's more than worth a puddle or two!
I look forward to what this year may hold in store. I hope it's good things! I plan to stop by much more regularly! Peace to all and blessings for the new year...
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