Maybe it's too soon to be feeling so much despair, but life is hard, it hurts and I don't think I can take much more. My father passed away on 1/17/13. 2012 was a terrible year. It hurts so much watching someone you love just lose their grip on this life. To watch his strength of body and will dwindle until he couldn't even take a shower on his own or manage to eat anything, was unbearable. It was cancer and it was so mean.
Today, I found out it is likely my mother has cancer. I am praying not, I am trying to hold out for good news, but I prayed my father would be one of the 3% that recovers from lung cancer with chemotherapy. My hopes and my prayers have worn a little thin.
I tried to be brave when I sat in that doctor office today. I laid my hand on my mother's arm as she took in the devastating news the doctor was giving her and squeezed it gently. I told her I loved her. I feel so helpless, I can't do anything to change the situation. I can't stand up and shout and make her body whole again. I can pray, I can plead, I can accept, I can offer her my love, support, care and kindness; that is all I can do. And I can tell you that never feels like enough.
How can the two people that have been so important in my life go and leave me behind? I don't care if everyone else has to endure this. I don't want to endure it. I thought losing my dad was going to kill me. Pain of the heart is so much harder to bear than pain in the body. I cannot go through this again. I cannot lose my mother too.
I am so tired of finding the strength to go on. I lost my brother when I was 25. That was a terrible loss, my life with him would have been so much richer than my life without him. The pain of watching my parents deal with the loss of their son was horrible. Again, nothing I could do. I wanted a magic wand to wave and bring him back. I wanted to see the light back in their faces and their smiles to be warm and true. They were never quite the same again all these years later.
I watched my mother's demeanor become a little darker, sadder, as she cared for my dad each day and as he progressively got worse and the realization set in that this was it, this was his end of life event. She began to function on auto-pilot and she's been functioning in that mode ever since his death.
I talked to her the other day about her feelings and she told me that she was going to be able to move on and cope. She even said she wanted to live her life and she was thankful that my dad had not suffered more than he did. It was a step toward recovery. I've watched her laugh lately when she plays with our puppy. It's so good to see her laugh.
Why is life so cruel? It feels like there is an evil fairy sitting on my shoulder, one that gets its jolly's from snatching every little bit of joy that we are able to find in this life. I try so hard to remain upbeat and positive, but it's slipping. The only thing I'm positive about at this moment is that life sucks, death sucks, faith sucks, it all just SUCKS!
I don't have the strength to be thankful for what I have. I'm afraid to enjoy the very few loved ones I have left; I'm afraid the evil, life-taking, joy-killing, son-of-a-bitch, fairy will see a new reason to hurt us more. I pray to God every day, but I don't feel like He hears me. God, are you there? A word, a sign, something to let me know I'm not praying to dead air would be so graciously received. No wonder life isn't any longer than it is, I doubt faith would make it much farther. Mine's about used up.
God, my heart is broken and the pieces are so small they'll never be put together again. If I lived on a cliff, high above the sea, I don't think I could resist the urge to just run and keep running until only air was under my feet. The warm ocean swallowing and then cradling me would almost be blessed relief. No more pain, no more sorrow, would there be a light at the end of the tunnel or only darkness? Or nothing?
I make it through each day, holding onto the love I feel for my own children and for my dear sweet husband. It has to be enough. It will be enough. Because in the end, I do believe in God, life after death and hope. I do believe God isn't through with me until my last breath and even though I don't understand why life is like it is, I have faith that God knows best and all of this serves a purpose that will become clear one day. If it doesn't, then the jokes on me and my last thoughts will be, 'I sure as hell wish I'd moved where there was a cliff.'
Today, I found out it is likely my mother has cancer. I am praying not, I am trying to hold out for good news, but I prayed my father would be one of the 3% that recovers from lung cancer with chemotherapy. My hopes and my prayers have worn a little thin.
I tried to be brave when I sat in that doctor office today. I laid my hand on my mother's arm as she took in the devastating news the doctor was giving her and squeezed it gently. I told her I loved her. I feel so helpless, I can't do anything to change the situation. I can't stand up and shout and make her body whole again. I can pray, I can plead, I can accept, I can offer her my love, support, care and kindness; that is all I can do. And I can tell you that never feels like enough.
How can the two people that have been so important in my life go and leave me behind? I don't care if everyone else has to endure this. I don't want to endure it. I thought losing my dad was going to kill me. Pain of the heart is so much harder to bear than pain in the body. I cannot go through this again. I cannot lose my mother too.
I am so tired of finding the strength to go on. I lost my brother when I was 25. That was a terrible loss, my life with him would have been so much richer than my life without him. The pain of watching my parents deal with the loss of their son was horrible. Again, nothing I could do. I wanted a magic wand to wave and bring him back. I wanted to see the light back in their faces and their smiles to be warm and true. They were never quite the same again all these years later.
I watched my mother's demeanor become a little darker, sadder, as she cared for my dad each day and as he progressively got worse and the realization set in that this was it, this was his end of life event. She began to function on auto-pilot and she's been functioning in that mode ever since his death.
I talked to her the other day about her feelings and she told me that she was going to be able to move on and cope. She even said she wanted to live her life and she was thankful that my dad had not suffered more than he did. It was a step toward recovery. I've watched her laugh lately when she plays with our puppy. It's so good to see her laugh.
Why is life so cruel? It feels like there is an evil fairy sitting on my shoulder, one that gets its jolly's from snatching every little bit of joy that we are able to find in this life. I try so hard to remain upbeat and positive, but it's slipping. The only thing I'm positive about at this moment is that life sucks, death sucks, faith sucks, it all just SUCKS!
I don't have the strength to be thankful for what I have. I'm afraid to enjoy the very few loved ones I have left; I'm afraid the evil, life-taking, joy-killing, son-of-a-bitch, fairy will see a new reason to hurt us more. I pray to God every day, but I don't feel like He hears me. God, are you there? A word, a sign, something to let me know I'm not praying to dead air would be so graciously received. No wonder life isn't any longer than it is, I doubt faith would make it much farther. Mine's about used up.
God, my heart is broken and the pieces are so small they'll never be put together again. If I lived on a cliff, high above the sea, I don't think I could resist the urge to just run and keep running until only air was under my feet. The warm ocean swallowing and then cradling me would almost be blessed relief. No more pain, no more sorrow, would there be a light at the end of the tunnel or only darkness? Or nothing?
I make it through each day, holding onto the love I feel for my own children and for my dear sweet husband. It has to be enough. It will be enough. Because in the end, I do believe in God, life after death and hope. I do believe God isn't through with me until my last breath and even though I don't understand why life is like it is, I have faith that God knows best and all of this serves a purpose that will become clear one day. If it doesn't, then the jokes on me and my last thoughts will be, 'I sure as hell wish I'd moved where there was a cliff.'
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