What Does This Mean?

We're still waiting to get my mom into the surgeon. The tests all came back very positive for ovarian cancer. The mass is about the size of a small orange. We have a tiny hope that it isn't cancer. We have a big hope that if it is definitely cancer that it hasn't metastasized. The MRIs showed no inflamed lymph nodes.

We're supposed to be one of the greatest countries in the world, so I find it very sad that it takes this long to get something so urgent taken care of. We found out on May 6, that mom might have cancer. Here it is May 29 and we still know nothing definite and we haven't even seen the surgeon. The insurance finally approved the visit to the surgeon today. Has Obama created this situation with his stupid health care reform bill? Or is it just greed on the part of the insurance company trying to find a way not to pay for medical services?

I'm sick of hearing that the big pharmaceutical companies are hiding the cure for cancer because treating it is so much more profitable than curing it. I hope that bit of information isn't true. If there is the slightest nugget of truth in it, there is no hope for mankind. Not because cancer will kill us, but because there is no good reason to let a species survive that would treat its fellow members in such an abhorrent manner. If it is true, I don't think I really want to know.

One thing I have learned that seriously damages my confidence in the goodness of mankind is that people over age 65 are expendable. There is no need to perform routine diagnostic tests after that age because life expectancy of anyone beyond 65 doesn't warrant them receiving treatment; the consensus in the impolite and true sense of the word is that older human beings are just not worth the time, money or trouble. Obama made this the standard. He doesn't believe in even repairing or replacing a broken hip in older Americans, it is just too expensive. Give them pain meds and leave them to die. I wonder when he will pass down the decree that pain meds aren't necessary either. The pain may kill old folks faster and make them less of a burden on tax dollars and over-crowded hospitals. It's deplorable.

I read something today, some bit of wisdom, that was supposed to make you feel better if you were at the end of your life. I can't quote it exactly and don't even know who said it, but it went something like this, In death we return to what we were before we were born. I asked myself, what the hell does that even mean? If that's comfort, I don't want to hear discomfort. If you are a believer in God and believe as I do that God created all of us at the beginning of time, it could be a comforting statement, but if you are not, it's depressing...because in essence, you become nothing.

I don't want to die and become nothing. I like living too much. I like the beautiful things on this planet that I credit God with creating. I don't want to become nothing. I also don't want to become a piece of larger whole, a spiritual being that rejoins with the great spirit. I want to retain my singular identity, I want to control my thoughts, my path, my destiny, my oneness. I want to feel, to experience, to think for myself. I'm a loner at heart and I don't want to be any different. If I have to be thrust in with a larger whole or made to sit at the feet of a great being in awe and just be, I think maybe I'd rather be nothing.

Life and living, whether in a physical or spiritual form, is about creating, desire, love, enjoyment, fulfillment, and more. I want to expand when I die, I want to know more, be more aware of everything. I hope and pray God is and I hope that greed and the other base attributes we all share die with our physical bodies. I love beauty, the beauty that exists in a sunrise, a baby's laugh, a thunderstorm, a tiny kitten playing with it's litter mate. I love God and everything that He created; I love the goodness that man can possess. I love that God has not destroyed us which shows He must have faith in our ability to be what He created us to be and if He can have that faith in us; I can have faith in His existence.

My Heart Is Broken

Maybe it's too soon to be feeling so much despair, but life is hard, it hurts and I don't think I can take much more. My father passed away on 1/17/13. 2012 was a terrible year. It hurts so much watching someone you love just lose their grip on this life. To watch his strength of body and will dwindle until he couldn't even take a shower on his own or manage to eat anything, was unbearable. It was cancer and it was so mean.

Today, I found out it is likely my mother has cancer. I am praying not, I am trying to hold out for good news, but I prayed my father would be one of the 3% that recovers from lung cancer with chemotherapy. My hopes and my prayers have worn a little thin.

I tried to be brave when I sat in that doctor office today. I laid my hand on my mother's arm as she took in the devastating news the doctor was giving her and squeezed it gently. I told her I loved her. I feel so helpless, I can't do anything to change the situation. I can't stand up and shout and make her body whole again. I can pray, I can plead, I can accept, I can offer her my love, support, care and kindness; that is all I can do. And I can tell you that never feels like enough.

How can the two people that have been so important in my life go and leave me behind? I don't care if everyone else has to endure this. I don't want to endure it. I thought losing my dad was going to kill me. Pain of the heart is so much harder to bear than pain in the body. I cannot go through this again. I cannot lose my mother too.

I am so tired of finding the strength to go on. I lost my brother when I was 25. That was a terrible loss, my life with him would have been so much richer than my life without him. The pain of watching my parents deal with the loss of their son was horrible. Again, nothing I could do. I wanted a magic wand to wave and bring him back. I wanted to see the light back in their faces and their smiles to be warm and true. They were never quite the same again all these years later.

I watched my mother's demeanor become a little darker, sadder, as she cared for my dad each day and as he progressively got worse and the realization set in that this was it, this was his end of life event. She began to function on auto-pilot and she's been functioning in that mode ever since his death.

I talked to her the other day about her feelings and she told me that she was going to be able to move on and cope. She even said she wanted to live her life and she was thankful that my dad had not suffered more than he did. It was a step toward recovery. I've watched her laugh lately when she plays with our puppy. It's so good to see her laugh.

Why is life so cruel? It feels like there is an evil fairy sitting on my shoulder, one that gets its jolly's from snatching every little bit of joy that we are able to find in this life. I try so hard to remain upbeat and positive, but it's slipping. The only thing I'm positive about at this moment is that life sucks, death sucks, faith sucks, it all just SUCKS!

I don't have the strength to be thankful for what I have. I'm afraid to enjoy the very few loved ones I have left; I'm afraid the evil, life-taking, joy-killing, son-of-a-bitch, fairy will see a new reason to hurt us more. I pray to God every day, but I don't feel like He hears me. God, are you there? A word, a sign, something to let me know I'm not praying to dead air would be so graciously received. No wonder life isn't any longer than it is, I doubt faith would make it much farther. Mine's about used up.

God, my heart is broken and the pieces are so small they'll never be put together again. If I lived on a cliff, high above the sea, I don't think I could resist the urge to just run and keep running until only air was under my feet. The warm ocean swallowing and then cradling me would almost be blessed relief. No more pain, no more sorrow, would there be a light at the end of the tunnel or only darkness? Or nothing?

I make it through each day, holding onto the love I feel for my own children and for my dear sweet husband. It has to be enough. It will be enough. Because in the end, I do believe in God, life after death and hope. I do believe God isn't through with me until my last breath and even though I don't understand why life is like it is, I have faith that God knows best and all of this serves a purpose that will become clear one day. If it doesn't, then the jokes on me and my last thoughts will be, 'I sure as hell wish I'd moved where there was a cliff.'